Seizure Crypt - You've Been Had!

Genre: Hardcore, Metal, Punk
Label: Independent

It’s been a while, but hitting play on Seizure Crypt’s latest testament to the D.I.Y. lifestyle, "You’ve Been Had," is like reconnecting with an old friend. That may seem weird to anyone who knows about my older reviews (back at E-Metal Reviews/E-MetalSpace) of their albums, "Hello My Name Is… MADNESS" and "Under The Gun" since I barely gave the first one a chance and said that the second, “only kind of sucks”. But here, wherever I am and in whatever year this is, I’ve grown older and wiser. And guess what? I think I’ve spent enough time in the Crypt to understand what these motherfuckers are all about!

Where to start…

Well, I guess I can address the fact that this album does, in fact, sound like it was recorded using Do It Yourself methods, but by guys who’ve been doing this sort of thing for a while. Yeah, the sound can be a little rough and grainy at times, but Seizure Crypt seems to know how to tweak it to their advantage. That or their music is so full of “FUCK YOU!” that even sound itself bent the laws of physics to accommodate their hardcore lifestyles! I’m going to go with that last one.

Normally, you don’t go into a Seizure Crypt album thinking that it’s going to be a mind-blowingly awesome experience with complex riffs and off-time drumming… and this album is no exception. It’s just simple but entertainingly aggressive punk/hardcore tunes that will be the perfect soundtrack to a wild and drunken night of slamming people through bar furniture! Also note that both vocalists give there all to shout, bark and psychotically rant their message at you in the scuzziest, most street level way possible! It has become a matter of charm at this point, believe it or not. I’ll probably be cutting this review short since my hard-on for these guys keeps growing and I can’t bring myself to understand why exactly… The guys in Seizure Crypt do what they do because they love to do it. If more bands were like this, then there would be better music all around for everybody!

I’ve since gone back and listened to my other two Seizure Crypt albums and I can safely say that "You’ve Been Had!" is the best offering to date. If you’re a fan of the D.I.Y. spirit, pick up this album (and maybe the others later) and bang your skull until that gray mush comes out! And remember, “Life is not a fad you fucking poser!” Throw yourself into the Crypt!

Seizure Crypt Homepage

Vise Massacre - Expendable Humans

Genre: Hardcore, Punk, Grindcore
Label: Independent

After submitting my review for Seizure Crypt a couple of days ago, it was suggested that I gave another hardcore band from New York a shot. After a couple of days of letting Expendable Humans sink in, it is crystal clear that I owe my brother-in-metal, Dave, a big ol’ THANK YOU!!! I’m not ashamed to say that Vise Massacre had me won over in a matter of minutes with their hyper aggressive hardcore style and filthy, almost grind percussion tactics!

The overall sound that Vise Massacre spits out is a grimy hardcore masterpiece full of fresh ideas and time tested structures. There are tracks here that are reminiscent of If He Dies… He Dies, Oroku and even a little bit of a sped up Fog Wizard. So it’s safe to say that I had a massive erection forming over the first two tracks of this album.

I mentioned aggression just a few sentences ago and I don’t think that that description alone does the mood that this album conveys any justice whatsoever. Imagine walking through a crowded shopping mall, the day after Thanksgiving. You’re overheated, tired from getting up super early and fed up with all of the idiotic mouth breathers that are usurping your oxygen. An overweight house frau steps on your toe and doesn’t so much as break her waddling stride to apologize for crushing your big toe under her bovine hoof that’s crammed inside a two sizes too small croc.

Getting pissed yet?

Well, now imagine that in your hands, you’re holding two .357 Desert Eagles that never need reloading and all of the doors leading out of the mall have been locked from the outside…

Expendable Humans is the soundtrack pumping out of the P.A. system overhead as you mow down the annoying and tolerable alike.

Aggressive! Psychotic! Hateful! Fucking Perfect! Vise Massacre unlock the homicidal maniac in you through their blend of loud pounding drumwork, hardcore bellowing and grinding riffs. Expendable Humans is a hardcore adventure unlike any other that I have gone on before and couldn’t wait to take it again as soon as the album was finished. And I did. Over and over again. Once while I was strolling though the mall even…

Overall: When all is said and done, a recommendation  to listen to this album couldn’t be glowing enough from me. This is easily an album that I could listen to for days on end, tell a friend about it and listen to it with him/her for more days on end! Vise Massacre may prove that humans are expendable, but they themselves are invaluable to the metal/hardcore community!

Vise Massacre On Facebook

The Beyond - FROSTBITEPANZERFUCK

The Beyond! Dollars to doughnuts, these guys are a Fulci inspired group and this album is a supernatural themed romp, complete with face eating tarantulas and Schweick the super corpse! I bet... wah, what? Frostbitepanzerfuck? Well, now I'm not sure what to expect from this Pennsylvanian quartet. Luckily, The Beyond set me straight seconds into the first track entitled, Roto-Cunt. It's basically a laundry list of things the missus and I get into once the wee ones are in bed (RE: anal rape, sadomasochism, oral creampies, goat sodomy... oh wait, that last one was from the next track).

It's also a bit of a tease. If you think the rest of the album is going to be a crusty, punk laden journey though the Gross Out Valley... well you're half right. The Beyond take the a hold of my expectations and violently rape the beejeezus out of them! Some songs have the humorous shit down to a science with a punk 'n' roll 'tude while others seem to be more along the blackened route by adding searing blackened screams and blistering black metal riffs into the mix.

Over and over again, I found myself trying to listen to other albums to review only to be dragged back to Frostbitepanzerfuck. Apparently The Beyond have something of a knack for writing subliminally catchy tunes. This became clear after I over analyzed why I couldn't get tracks like Attack Of the Zombie Brigade and Goat Sodomizer out of my head and came up with nothing. Leaving only literal mindfuckery as a possibility.

And for those of you that happen to be fans of that loveable shit smearing, piss drinking, cum spraying nutnob G.G. Allin, The Beyond offer up a tribute to him in the form of Cunt Sucking Animal. Filthy as fuck.

In short, Frostbitepanzerfuck is what would of happened if Anal Cunt and Dirty Rotten Imbeciles made Panzerfaust. So if that sounds like something that might get your white water churnin', then this is the filthy fucking album for you! However, if the thought of having your mind blown by awesome encrusted metal makes your dick shrivel... well then, I'm glad I don't know you personally.

The Beyond On Facebook